Last night before my littles eyes dozed off, I prayed to understand the love of Jesus further, to feel His love in a different light. And I woke up feeling the most significant in God that I have ever felt, I am not even in a position where I want a husband out of indifference for sharing my love with someone else. This love is so raw and so adventurous, I don’t think anyone at this point could match it! I truly understand the concept of a nun, I don’t even want to let anyone attempt to pursue me because I would feel guilty of them wasting their time. God you are so beautiful. Your protection and your sacrifice and your plan is filled with meat. My appetite is for your love only, your secure love that will never do me wrong. When I look at you I see how you came down in the form of a man and married the church and lived a life doing no wrong and that’s what I get being in this relationship with you. I marry my love off to you Jesus!
This past year, this past season of amazing grace…it will never be the same. I will never have my Lala, and my Tasi, and my Baree, and my Kharen, and my Marie all around me. I will never have my unwed sister or live with Lala for a time that isn’t a visit. I will never get to be in a space where we are all their for ourselves and not for the sole purpose of being together. That’s the best way, when we arn’t there just to be in each other’s presence. I want it to stay that way forever, I was supposed to have three more years with them but that’s gone now. Jesus lead me to greener pastures, please take me away from the broken heart I have from the blessings you gave me. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.
I feel utterly blessed to know God intimately (in a few years I will scoff at how much more intimacy I am unaware of) regardless, I’m honored. I have experienced a transformed life, constantly being replenished by Jesus. This is not always the case, but God’s goodness never fails me. I have crossed paths with new perspective on modernism in the Western World- specifically in America. The past five years of my life I have felt lonely about the wild spirituality I encounter. I felt ashamed to be a witness for the uncontrolled fire of the Holy Spirit because of society and many times because of my own sisters and brothers in Christ. I have just read a book on the culture that existed during the Medieval Ages and feel misplaced. Those people were not insecure about proclaiming a world where God was ever present. There were no boundaries between the spiritual world and their world. This is my reality, yet, so many people are at a disbelief when I share how everything points back to God or I protest about the unseen creatures of the other realm that I witness interacting with us. This was NOT religiously ridiculed but rather, was the reality of their culture. I finally feel at peace about why I have seen the things I’ve seen, it was for today, for that piece of literature I read that explained I am nothing newly spectacular but rather anciently revisited. With this light I will bring the kingdom harder because spiritual fullness in a culture existed before (not to disregard the powerful people I have met in my life because they walk with Jesus!). I want to be right here and right now with you God. You take my mind farther than I can imagine. You captivate me with new wonders and old treasures.
How far do my dreams go in this life? How many of them will actually come true? Or perhaps my life is so good that my dreams will always be competing with true events? I dream, I do, of walking into those shiny gates and feeling good about myself. A heaven on earth kind of deal except the platform is information, education, and all things academic. To walk around with inner-beauty and talent beyond comprehension is one thing, those are not tangible for most people. But intellectual things, there are handfuls of people who speak this language of academia and are just out here to be plucked. Succulently plucked for my personal entertainment. I wonder many times through out a typical day what it must feel like to manifest all this knowledge. But there are of course two types, earthly and Godly, and both are desirable. Unfortunately there seems to be a stigma that both cannot coexist, but I’ll fight till I perish to hold both in this mind. Both magnificently precocious thought & acquired gentility by faith will house this head of mine. I promise that.
Early in the morning is when I think about you. I go to the gym to get you off my mind. I go shopping to distract myself. I drive fast to cleanse my blood from any traces of you. I pray to lock you out of my thoughts.
Sunset in the afternoon is when I think of you. I read my books so I can take my thoughts to the place where yours float. I eat my bowl of fruit to taste some sweetness. I fly on planes because I like pretending I’m on my way to see you.
Late at night is when I think about you. I play the piano to hear you one more time. I pray because God is the only one who loves you more than I do. I write because you come alive in my words. I don’t hug or hold hands with anyone in hopes that you’ll come back to me…
Surrounded by friends, family, and strangers. You have your headphones in and the music is just past the middle that no one can hear what you’re listening to. They pass you and smile, maybe a wave, maybe a wink, but not a clue to what you could possibly be listening to. Naturally, they don’t mind but when they do think about it, the possibility of whatever I’m listening to changing their world is unlikely, so they conclude (not aloud but in their heads) that it can’t be that impressive. Sure- I’m an interesting enough person that people will gladly advocate for my “good character” “rational mind” “warm intentions” but will I amount to anything- I couldn’t possibly be the one. They don’t know what music is playing in my ears though, they don’t know. I’ll create something that will be in their ears without me having to show them, I’ll design above all the expectations. Make it to me please, distant platform.
You know sometimes I think about all the crazy influential things I could create and I think about the impact it would make and how damaging it would be for evil. There, that’s when I’m convinced that the enemy will do whatever they can to prevent my ideas to exit this body. I make a promise to God and to myself that I will fight to share this internal joy, I’ll sacrifice things: a partner, a buttload of money, a life of free-will, fun friends. I see it now, the point of this journal entry. The spirit redirecting my heart, I know this now.
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” – Maya Angelou
I became quite enamored with a girl who had gorgeous ginger hair- it was almost unreal. And she loved to Irish jig her heart away- this caught the attention of mine. She taught me what beauty looked like from a softly spoken voice. She lived her life along side me for almost four years but we never crossed paths until the time to depart dawned on us. She was fairy-like, ushering her pixie dust to alter everything she touched for the better. When she touched my soul it awoke from an eternal winter of impulsive foolishness. I think a part of me hurt her deeply but she was stationary, she was calm. She was a strong and charming wood and I, an ignited match with kinetic energy that could rue a forest in its entirety. When our forces came together a fire arose but she didn’t burn. Rather, I burned myself out. I tried to destroy what I couldn’t understand, I avoided my destructive nature and traded my love (what little of it I was made of) for wrath. She was still. She engulfed my conniption and housed all the damage, like shipwrecks underneath a calm sea. A short lived fairytale of respected delegates congregating in the corner house of misfits. Other people came and went but I always stayed near and she….so dear…..to my heart.