The depression that once degraded my sanity now roams aimlessly around the outside world. I am now hidden in Jesus’ perfect love but can still see her- my old demon. She EATS AWAY at others, I scream at her to leave them alone but she laughs knowing they allow her to be there. All I can do is watch from the window on the second floor as she walks silently behind the backs of people and I pray, rebuking her metacarpus from drowning them in their own thoughts. If they just turned around and looked her in those blackened eyes they would see her lifeless heartache! Jealousy! Oh how she is jealous of this life Jesus has given us, she drifts because she has been banished from the true purpose she was created for, now waiting for the wrath of God to consume her completely, a literal sitting duck, pathetic is what she is. A foot stool for my King is what she is.
I look at old pictures. Different faces, different places, but one thought- “Let the light come in.” I remember my thoughts and feelings with every day, week, month, and season. Desperate to feel anything and willing to make anything work, I dragged someone down with me. But now I have crossed the Jordan river and my thoughts have been baptized. I have walked through the water fall where the blood of Christ falls on me. The red blood that puts everything in perspective. The blood cells that contain fear, anger, and sorrow but complete surrender- washed over me.
I was at the train station waiting for my ride to come. I waited on the bench from Monday till the following Sunday. I was stuck, it seemed like a week but I was there for months. Christ came down and spoke with fire in His mouth, I wasn’t sure what I should do but He reassured me: “Do you have a heart daughter?” I nodded as tears ran down my cheeks and suicidally leaped off my face. “Then get up and walk with me because that heart belongs to me.” Not a single train has ridden by that train station since then.
I cry myself a puddle. Surrounding me, a mirror, I look into it. All at once, an overwhelming fear of who I was and who I will be. A reflection of my actions, scared to come out of the mirror but I am scared of her, too. A broken me every night will keep me grounded in this grace. This rest that I still don’t understand. Something I sang once (prophesying over myself) no wave could ever test, or take away all this rest, cause you are my king and I am loyal to you. When I hear that thunder I know that lightning will flash as all of heaven and earth just clash. Cause Jesus is calling, FREEDOM.