Tonight I let myself go. I played a song I usually avoid. I let it play with both headphones in my ear, I just let it play. It’s a song that I’ve always loved and the person I first showed it to, I loved even more. I press play, close my eyes, and let my memories flood, just full on hurricane-tsunami flood.
It hurt for the first three seconds and then my entire body warmed up… because it was him. The bass was his heartbeat and that was my home for a while. It felt like I was going home.
That synth that blasted my ears when we would drive down Beach Blvd on our way to the ocean, that singer that sung the words I was feeling whenever I was with him, that song that made me look at him and think “wow, I love this kid with my entire existence”. Towards the middle of the song I thought about all the mistakes, all the laughs, all the nose kisses, all the cries he soothed, all the joints we smoked, all the days we spent laying in bed. Then, just like that, the song was over, just like us.
I feel guilty, I’d rather spend time in my Bible than studying, but I know what’s right, I know what I need to do to get through the day-the week- the semester. My $30,000 school year that my father generously pays for, yet I wreck it. Feels like I do a lot of that lately. Constantly beating myself up for letting go of worldly things and angered at the results I often get when seeking out for Christ. But I know this is a trick- a trap, Lord deliver me from undermining my own self.
Penalizing myself for making you a priority…
feeling worthless sometimes because I go to a Christian school, feeling like I am wasting my time and actually considering transferring to a more secular school where I’d get less of God and more of the World. This poison that leaks into the very crevices of my mind, whispering that honor, prestige, and greatness only lies in worldly titles. Am I really going to deny myself a life of wealth and glory, am I really going to step away from the pride of being an adored surgeon or some other profession where I glorify myself? And then I remember all the things God has done for me and I accept the life I think the Lord has called me to do. To serve. To lift Him up. To love.
With this I accept the darkest moments, push my walls in, let my house fall, hit me with your words, strip me of everything I have going for me and at the end of the day I will still say “God is Good”.
Ethan died a couple days ago. Praise God for we have a savior who conquered death, and Ethan went home. Not going to lie, I’m a bit jealous, but I know I can be bent more.
There’s something about him, something that’s not my cup of tea, which disappointments me because I’m so fond of his slowly spoken thoughts and the way he guards the world from his feelings with those gentle eyes.
He’s surrounded by things that need work and strike my silly tone with fear but we all have our demons. If someone isolates themselves on an island with barricades and miles of ocean am I not going to swim as hard as I can to see what’s being kept from me? He troubles me dearly and yet I still want to swim the vast ocean to meet him.
Something about him feels like he wouldn’t be able to love me the way I needed to be loved, which is a shame because I’d love him like no one else could. But we all have our cups of tea.
I am dirty. I am unkind. I am quick to judge. I am quick to anger. But with you, I am undone.
I am taken apart, piece by piece, and touched with your love, you change every cell in my body to breathe for you Lord. You want my heart and I give it to you. Take it and make me yours, I am remade.
I am unworthy, with layers of hardship and heartache. But with you, you chisel my pain and sculpt my broken heart to be a part of your masterpiece, hung up for display in the Kingdom. Each part peeled and folded into your peace, you unravel me.
I cry for my brother who falls from the mountain,
God put him there and blessed him with wisdom and still he chooses to jump.
He is the fool who wishes to fly like the birds,
Birds fly, man fly on the words of Christ.
I cry for my brother who falls off the mountain of Glory.
You’re the only thing that can ever satisfy. When I’m stunted, when I’m full of sorrow, when I’m thoroughly confused, I am put back together and held, by you. Your love surrounds me like the summer heat, everlasting and inescapable. My eyes may be closed but I still see you, no music can be playing but I hear the song you’re singing to me. You taste like love, you look like home. I am far but home is where my God is.
You’re the only thing that makes sense. When life is fast, when life is empty, when life seems hopeless, I am bolstered by the thought that you are Lord and you love me. When I’m choosing between left or right, up or down, I chose you. I am far from understanding but truth is where my God is.
You’re the only thing that can love me, because you’re much more than a thing, you are thee thing, the house, the being, my being, my God.