What more is there to say? What more is there to feel? I’m a thousand negative things but I am to remain positive. Here’s my proclamation, let it be known, I am struggling drastically but my love for Christ does not dull itself. My adoration remains, my trust remains, my willingness to comply with His will remains.
I am indubitably going back to school, spring 2017 will inevitably be slumped on my tiny little back and I will do. Going back for more, crazy about being crazy, and loving every minute that I fan that fiery flame that shines so bright. Looking for a husband? How about looking for myself? I want charisma beyond this life, gentility that exceeds your typical Proverbs 31 wife, I want a heart bigger than the state of Texas, California, and Alaska combined. And to claim this heart of auspicious nature, I am to seek the Lord and nothing else. To know Christ is to acknowledge the rotundity in His voice like full roaring thunder.
I’m growing super fast right? My tastes are like all over the place. Fashion, literature, music, all that crap, I’m like changing or adding on what I like every single freaking second. These days I like a fitted bodice with a long flowing skirt and my hair braided. Liberty too, it’s like my scaffold, temporarily holding me up while I learn these things because it’s easier then to continue falling & slipping because to put it simply I just don’t know how.
Days pass by the meadow weir,
faces pass with rush they seem,
so content to be, so curious for me.
I am clenched by the throat with hands in my spine,
forcing a smile, acting as fine.
I am far by the creek where I brush my long hair,
where I wait for my swain who’s tall & fair.
I am surrounded by trumpery, claiming my eyes,
yet they tell me to hide from the filth & the lies.
Months pass by the meadow stream,
and I am far from the madding crown.
I wake up this beautiful morning and sit in bed. Ecstatic to go to church but simply inquisitive of what exactly I’m feeling…
I quickly knew what it felt like, what if felt like to go home after a long semester, to see your poppa after a long exhausting day of school, to be hugged when you’re feeling blue or even just a hug, to feel loved.
I love my Tito, the best gift the Lord has given me hands down. I love to be loved by him and no one can imagine how I feel, daily. Wanting to drop everything, give up everything, say anything just to feel a physical hug from God. Sometimes it’s fulfilled through the spirit, sometimes God even sends me hugs through other people, that’s how I know he loves me, but I give really good hugs and I want HIM to feel my love.
In the midst of spring, in the midst of joy, in the midst of a beautiful sunny March, my world fell down on me. My back was busted, shoulders crushed, my spine in shambles. No communication occurred between my brain and my body- my muscles were slabs, my joints were candy, my bones were paper. My face torn and every single hole was a vessel to which my emotions leaked out, every last drop. Liquidated to nothing. Then my love came to me and grabbed me by the face: “I love you, you’ll be strong again.” He held my hands like if they were the most precious things he had ever felt. With delicacy, he sowed me back up, strings for ligaments and buttons for eyes. I could only sleep when I was with him, I could only feel alive when he held me, I was only myself in his lap. I was his puppet.
How he loved my carcass was beyond me, I hardly functioned, I was hollow. He held me tight and kissed my sweet nose. And just when he mended me together, he broke me again. Shoved me in a closet and kept me in the dark. Told me I was his queen but set our castle on fire. I almost burned alive. So I threw myself in a lake.
The lake was too dark. Too cold. Too many old creatures swam in there. Can’t drown my demons when they could breathe under water. I was the one who couldn’t breathe under water. I won’t lie though, I held my breathe for months, nearly thought I was one of them. But the Prince of Peace came walking on the lake one day and said something about looking for me, waiting for me. I took His left hand and with His right one He fought off the darkness. This was when love came down and rescued me.
For taking me this far, I thank you. For this pain, for this deep wound, for this constant battle I can’t bear to stand up on my own two feet, I praise you. Loving you hurts so much Lord, You’re so alive but I feel so dead, exhausted.
I can’t find peace, I lean on your Grace. I’m here, fallen on the ground before you and I’m angry and frustrated but I still exalt you. Lord give me peace. Take my burden. Take my pain. Fill my wound.
Are you trying to get my attention about something? Maybe I’m not listening and can’t possibly be found in You. Everyone is silenced to my questions, to my anger, even You. Open the eyes of my heart Lord I beg, I can stay here, forever. I can wait and be still in this moment forever but I won’t lie or hide that I am frustrated. I’m aware, I acknowledge that I was called higher and you are higher…I love you, Jesus.
Hold me in your arms, my limbs are falling, my blood is leaking out, but hold me still Lord. I acquired something from Sam today- a different peace, such a blessing, such a good friend.
Father, beautiful wonderful Father, break me. Break me even more.
Crack my bones so that I learn to walk only through you.
Tear my heart so that I learn to love only through you.
Rupture my ego so that I learn to be brave only through you.
Gash out my eye so that I learn to see things only through you.
I’m scared, horrified, afraid to face these doors, but I’ll open as many as I need to escape this worldly house and make it on to you. Open the heavens and let me see you in your full Glory.