It’s one stupid scene in Grey’s Anatomy, it’s one, and it made me cry.
I have these small moments where I cry, small-quick tears, for my guy. My first love. I’ve found myself justifying and defending him lately. I don’t understand if the Lord wants me to hold on or let go. It’s hard to imagine letting go because I don’t have anyone to replace him and make new memories with but I know better, I know to be obedient and that the Lord’s promises will be rewarding. I can’t hold on, I just know better. Yet I’m here once again contemplating what to do with Marc.
Honestly, at this point, he cheated on me but what I did was emotionally worse. I made up a lie with another guy and aimed it towards Marc in attempts to hurt him for all the people he had been with. Granted, I had been his friend prior to this and never minded him being with girls but the second he was mine, he was penalized for it. Marc had real sex with someone while dating me and then tried his hardest to keep me from the truth and protect me from his mistake. I can’t believe I’m defending him but that’s how I feel. I’m not hurt anymore. I’m not upset or disappointed. I’m just confused.
I’m in all honesty not sure anyone can love me the way Marc did and I know that’s ignorant to say because I’m young and Christ’s love is supposed to be enough for me but that is just how my flesh feels. I know damn well that Jesus is enough, He fulfills me, but that doesn’t mean it DOESN’T HURT when I think of Marc. Do I be with him? Do I wait for him to mature more? Do I move on? Be fair and let him grow apart from me?
The scene from Grey’s is from season 10 when Hunt & Yang (divorced surgeons) hook up and then Hunt breaks up with his new girlfriend Emma?! So Yang comes in and is all “ohhhh why’d you dump her” and he’s all “ohhh well why do you care to know” and they’re playing and being flirty and that’s Marc and I. In thirty years when I see Marc and his wife and three kids, I’ll be with my husband and three kids and we’ll go off to the side real quick to catch up and Marc will tell me “You look beautiful” and I’ll say something like “Yah my husband thinks so,too” and we’ll smile and remember our love. I hate this. Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior please I beg of you to take this feeling of angst away from me. Give me peace. Remove literally every ounce of pain I still feel, because frankly it stings.