Crying on the bathroom floor. Here I am with a towel underneath me and a God above me. Crying. I feel alone, not because I actually am alone but because of the absence of the love that used to dwell here. And it’s incredibly hard to feel the fullness of this righteous love. When all that is good and pure is so hard to grasp. All the earthly love and feelings of completeness from inconsistent people block my view of love in its rawest form. I’m frustrated and stumped with God. The point is to know Him a little more each time I tear, each time I ruin myself- I’ll get to see Him build me up a different way. At this point in the process I have stopped crying and I still feel the hurt but I’m comforted. Nothing like running into the arms of the Father, even when you trip because you’re sprinting so fast and because it took me so dang long to get here (I knew since the start of the week that I just needed to talk to Jesus about this loneliness and lift it up but of course I stalled)…
My love that they killed, I cry for the pain you felt for me. My King that they have slain, I ache for the hours you hung on that cross for me. My savior that they saw surmount death, I laugh for that grave you made empty. My Jesus who is Lord, I drop to my knees because of your ageless love. I rejoice for this warmth I am graced to feel, for this ignited flame that has galvanized my life. I am weary and constantly run down by the tricks of this world but am replenished because of Jesus. When it’s too much and I’m engulfed by my own emotions I hear: “Keep walking child, You will Be Home“. The further you seek Jesus, the deeper the water gets and one can only continue with an uninterrupted focus on Christ. He lets these tears leak from my eyes but He never lets them fall to the ground. He sees me dancing with the darkness but still hunts it down with majestic stride- freeing me over and over. My King with courage outshining the sun and stars, who mocked death in it’s face, I’d follow you till I couldn’t walk anymore. Bring the Kingdom and let it reign love because He lives.
I’m freaking tired and I’m freaking exhausted but I feel so freaking good.
I can’t stand up, today was the longest day of my life and I feel beat. I’m currently breathing the air my Father provided me and drinking His sweet thirst quenching water. I’ve run out of energy but I’m full. I’m complete with Jesus. The semester has gone by so quickly, I genuinely feel as if I have been away at war- spiritual war of course. And the hours of continuous thoughts bleed into days and the days bleed into weeks, the weeks to months and then gone. I have gone through two seasons and am dry from the new heat and frozen by the staggering winds but I am comfortable with my place because of Jesus. I can barely do my homework these days but I’m trying, hopefully that’s enough. My eyes cry but no tears come out, I weep but no water runs, I sob but these cheeks aren’t drowning, I am seared and injected with the sufficiency that is Jesus. There is discomfort towards the end but a succulent rest coming soon. Renewal, revival, replenishing; I am promised all these things, all I must do is throw these dry hands up and let Him hold them. He propels these dry hands to work and serve again, He stirs them into motion, He touches them and I am stunned.