Arakan the Demon

The depression that once degraded my sanity now roams aimlessly around the outside world. I am now hidden in Jesus’ perfect love but can still see her- my old demon. She EATS AWAY at others, I scream at her to leave them alone but she laughs knowing they allow her to be there. All I can do is watch from the window on the second floor as she walks silently behind the backs of people and I pray, rebuking her metacarpus from drowning them in their own thoughts. If they just turned around and looked her in those blackened eyes they would see her lifeless heartache! Jealousy! Oh how she is jealous of this life Jesus has given us, she drifts because she has been banished from the true purpose she was created for, now waiting for the wrath of God to consume her completely, a literal sitting duck, pathetic is what she is. A foot stool for my King is what she is.

I look at old pictures. Different faces, different places, but one thought- “Let the light come in.” I remember my thoughts and feelings with every day, week, month, and season. Desperate to feel anything and willing to make anything work, I dragged someone down with me. But now I have crossed the Jordan river and my thoughts have been baptized. I have walked through the water fall where the blood of Christ falls on me. The red blood that puts everything in perspective. The blood cells that contain fear, anger, and sorrow but complete surrender- washed over me.

I was at the train station waiting for my ride to come. I waited on the bench from Monday till the following Sunday. I was stuck, it seemed like a week but I was there for months. Christ came down and spoke with fire in His mouth, I wasn’t sure what I should do but He reassured me: “Do you have a heart daughter?” I nodded as tears ran down my cheeks and suicidally leaped off my face. “Then get up and walk with me because that heart belongs to me.” Not a single train has ridden by that train station since then.

I cry myself a puddle. Surrounding me, a mirror, I look into it. All at once, an overwhelming fear of who I was and who I will be. A reflection of my actions, scared to come out of the mirror but I am scared of her, too. A broken me every night will keep me grounded in this grace. This rest that I still don’t understand. Something I sang once (prophesying over myself) no wave could ever test, or take away all this rest, cause you are my king and I am loyal to you. When I hear that thunder I know that lightning will flash as all of heaven and earth just clash. Cause Jesus is calling, FREEDOM.

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My Self Constructed Identity

Recently I have been convicted about my disconnect with God. Out of fear of Him withdrawing His spirit from my soul I am making this confession as atonement. My identity is in Jesus and only in Him- yet I have created, not a web of lies, but a nest of a two HUGE lies that I sit on because I genuinely believe this is who I am. Technically I AM this person which is why it is not difficult for people to believe these lies I tell about myself. These lies are an EXTENSION of my gentile self, and EXAGGERATION of who I wanted to be in this WORLD. I am sorry for lying at the cost of Christ’s name. As a conclusion to this bombarding paragraph, I have done a lot of awesome things that I have not lied about and I am fearful that these lies will poison many things I have said, even asking you to trust me at this point seems impossible…but I assure you I will be making DEEP surgical removals of lies in my life so you can trust that I would not leave any out.

My family is not loaded with money, I belong to a middle class broken family. I go back in fourth between families within my family, this explains all the houses I go to, they do not all belong to my one immediate family, I do have rich family members which explains the cars, houses, and luxuries but my mother and her parents are mere middle class people. My mom struggles A LOT as a dental assistant who lives in SOUTH L.A and can barely make rent some months, my mom couldn’t pay the rent check this month in order for me to buy some expensive things. My dad does make really good money and he does provide a lot for me but he is NOT by any means filthy rich, he works exceptionally hard for his coin and I have undermined what my true treasure is by posing as a wealthy California kid.

I did not get into the universities I have said I got in to. In fact, I didn’t apply to any school EXCPET Liberty University. I AM an exceptional student who cares a lot about school and tried really hard in high school with all AP and a love for education but I DID PULL all F’s my last semester of high school in which I was depressed and was not planning on even going to college but was going to do YWAM with my good Canadian friend, April. I have accepted the fact that I would have gotten into a lot of good schools if I hadn’t messed up so bad and I spun my identity around getting into top notch schools to validate that I am smart, how degrading of me.

These were BIG things for me to keep maintained and they may seem simple and harmless but they were said from a heart who didn’t really love Jesus but from someone who loved herself more than the cross. I now know who I am in Christ and who He wants me to become and I needed to clear these things up in order for His grace to truly cover me. It was as if I thought God could NEVER use my average life to Glorify HIM so I added some things that I thought would make me a cooler Christian in the eyes of the world. I said these lies with no conviction or awareness in how my Heavenly Father could be using me for His kingdom and I mean ME JUST STANDING ALONE, no money, no crazy impressive college admittance, no respected academia goddess, JUST A BROKEN CHILD OF GOD who loves JESUS.

Now that I’ve written all of that out, I realized that I made it sound like I lied about my entire identity but as simple as these TWO NESTS WERE they really were convicting me this week because I have felt God withdrawing His spirit from me and I thought of everything that I have possibly done that could keep me from being blameless and it was my SELF CONSTRUCTED IDENTITY. I have come before the Lord and admitted my broken horror. Jesus has convicted me with kindness, the kindness that makes me repent. Yes, and amen.

suitcase, closed.

I stare at my green suitcase that sits in the middle of my room, touching the bed and in the right position for the light that comes through my window to sit on directly. The images my eyes take in are mere articles of clothing while the images produced in my head are clothes I would wear walking to class or grabbing dinner in a little town far from this place. I stare at my green suitcase that holds depression and disabling sadness zipped up inside itself. I am careful to keep it shut.  I am careful to fill the empty parts of myself with your word. Fearful of manifesting anything short of your grace and not capable of lasting another attack. Wavering between the known and the unknown. My clearest answer being taking that suitcase with me to Lynchburg where there, and only there, could I open the suitcase and witness crippling depression crawl out and die before it could live in this heart again.

Instead I only hear you once in a while. I used to see you in everything, the birds, the trees, the people. Now I only see you when I read my Bible. Why is it that you are always constant while I am not. Wasn’t I made in your image? The likeness of you, breathed into me. That can’t be right when I’m here playing by your rules. What freedom do I have being your slave if happiness comes and goes? Joy is the only thing I have that is constant ,like you, but I’m only human, how long until even my dreams of you leave me, until the music I hear no longer sings your name? If I ask you to show me your Glory, am I testing you even though I’m asking out of fear of losing you? This is why I keep my suitcase closed and fight the fear with your word.

It gets bad some days, so aggressive and continuous that my Bible doesn’t leave my right hand. It no longer sleeps in my bag but fights the war in the midst of sunlight. I’m so desperate for peace in my thoughts. But wave after wave of nothingness crashes on me. I get moments of still water though, they are so indescribably sweet. You know I used to get glimpses of heaven and now the furthest thing I can imagine is the promise of change in my life in four years. I’m only supposed to think of heaven in my downfall but I can’t even sleep long enough to have a rested mind. I guess this is the part where Jesus rescues me, he is my king after all. But until then I’ll keep looking for Him on my own time, in my own heart, because God ONLY KNOWS THE CORRECTION NEEDED. Part with my soul the wicked desires that house there, Jesus please, come stand in my door way so that my mind has no other option but to look at your Glory. Please, I’m fucking desperate.

 

 

 

 

Come to the Gallows

“Even if they put me in the fire, even if they hang me by my neck”

“Still I won’t let my voice go quiet and I will sing of your praise.”

And though I love not my life unto death because only then will I reunite completely with the Father, I think it’s urgent that I rephrase the above words of praise. I mean not to twist the words, devalue, or implement further importance but only to make it more relatable. I do believe the above can in fact happen literally and I hope if it did occur I would live out the trailing praises. But should you read the above statements metaphorically, let them be defined clearly.

These summer days of triumphing joy and parading warmth have left me on the floor many nights where I find myself without a song to sing of my real anguish. I think at times that the words of God that have been left to guide me have left out proof of actually knowing how I feel. Of course, I read further on and am shamefully embarrassed when God reminds me I am not alone. Yes, God really has anticipated every last thought that would ever need addressing even many cultures later as I sit here and listen to a professional string quartet & cello ensemble from Spotify, even in my modernism can God relate to my feelings.

So, my feelings, what are they? Loneliness, heartache, seclusion, detached from old joys, aloof to my old ways. My struggle is not actually being wicked but not having anyone to be righteous with. This is where the heartache joins the fiasco and I begin to miss my dear Liberty friends and then I remember that I have church on Sunday and can be comfortable in the pants I am wearing, just praising Jesus on the floor- all day. But the other six days of the week that aren’t Sunday, I am left to praise Jesus (on the floor) alone.  That’s my pit of fire. Feeling alone in the presence of God, more vulnerable to the lies of the enemy, more prone to falling, more likely to lean on my own understanding.

Daily, I see the comfortable lives of my friends, I do not miss the emptiness of the world but I do miss the liveliness of their smiles. I can think of a handful of people who I would never wish to hangout with because I know the desires of their heart would not align with mine but I do miss them, the person, their soul. I miss laughing with them, driving in the night blasting music, eating, singing loud. Anything that cultivates love, anything that unites a person with another person, gone. All the things that allow Christians to have common ground with unbelievers stripped away, the bridges of content burned down to the soil and given over to the enemy. I stand on the other side of the river watching their enchanted bodies use what God made for degrading purposes. A drunken person laughs of vile things but who created laughter in the first place?

Come to the gallows and watch me be hung every single morning when I start my day because to hang there is to not allow my flesh to fall into temptation and my Jesus craving soul is allowed to walk freely with Him. I am still alone on this earth though because no one can see me walking with His spirit (no unbelievers that is). They just see me walking alone.

Moving Back to LA

I feel stuck and in a corner, left to nothing but Netflix and a tall glass of water. I actually came to this point, feeling alone- more like deserted. At the end of each week I still have that open circle of praising Jesus with powerful people but inside they don’t know that my weeks are filled with uncertainty and pain from my family. Each day I see them dance around my shattered dreams, stomping with elegance as if nothing tragic could happen from their parading. As if my dreams are only pictures hung up on the walls of our house. Still framed moments of hope, those are my dreams, still framed. I can’t go anywhere if my dreams are meant to stay in the house, meanwhile I’ll get yelled at if I don’t leave the house. Do something with your life Kayla. Go somewhere. Get somewhere. All things the family says and then they go burning the bridges that would get me to my promise land. Such big dreams I have for such a big God I serve. But maybe He wants me to be happy just being in the chair that I’m sleeping in tonight knowing that He’s the dream. He’s reality. He’s everything. 

Engaging in Love

Last night before my littles eyes dozed off, I prayed to understand the love of Jesus further, to feel His love in a different light. And I woke up feeling the most significant in God that I have ever felt, I am not even in a position where I want a husband out of indifference for sharing my love with someone else. This love is so raw and so adventurous, I don’t think anyone at this point could match it! I truly understand the concept of a nun, I don’t even want to let anyone attempt to pursue me because I would feel guilty of them wasting their time. God you are so beautiful. Your protection and your sacrifice and your plan is filled with meat. My appetite is for your love only, your secure love that will never do me wrong. When I look at you I see how you came down in the form of a man and married the church and lived a life doing no wrong and that’s what I get being in this relationship with you. I marry my love off to you Jesus!

911

This past year, this past season of amazing grace…it will never be the same. I will never have my Lala, and my Tasi, and my Baree, and my Kharen, and my Marie all around me. I will never have my unwed sister or live with Lala for a time that isn’t a visit. I will never get to be in a space where we are all their for ourselves and not for the sole purpose of being together. That’s the best way, when we arn’t there just to be in each other’s presence. I want it to stay that way forever, I was supposed to have three more years with them but that’s gone now. Jesus lead me to greener pastures, please take me away from the broken heart I have from the blessings you gave me. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.