Did I Know?

Surrounded by friends, family, and strangers. You have your headphones in and the music is just past the middle that no one can hear what you’re listening to. They pass you and smile, maybe a wave, maybe a wink, but not a clue to what you could possibly be listening to. Naturally, they don’t mind but when they do think about it, the possibility of whatever I’m listening to changing their world is unlikely, so they conclude (not aloud but in their heads) that it can’t be that impressive. Sure- I’m an interesting enough person that people will gladly advocate for my “good character” “rational mind” “warm intentions” but will I amount to anything- I couldn’t possibly be the one. They don’t know what music is playing in my ears though, they don’t know. I’ll create something that will be in their ears without me having to show them, I’ll design above all the expectations. Make it to me please, distant platform.

You know sometimes I think about all the crazy influential things I could create and I think about the impact it would make and how damaging it would be for evil. There, that’s when I’m convinced that the enemy will do whatever they can to prevent my ideas to exit this body. I make a promise to God and to myself that I will fight to share this internal joy, I’ll sacrifice things: a partner, a buttload of money, a life of free-will, fun friends. I see it now, the point of this journal entry. The spirit redirecting my heart, I know this now.


Fairy Friend

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” – Maya Angelou

I  became quite enamored with a girl who had gorgeous ginger hair- it was almost unreal. And she loved to Irish jig her heart away- this caught the attention of mine. She taught me what beauty looked like from a softly spoken voice. She lived her life along side me for almost four years but we never crossed paths until the time to depart dawned on us. She was fairy-like, ushering her pixie dust to alter everything she touched for the better. When she touched my soul it awoke from an eternal winter of impulsive foolishness. I think a part of me hurt her deeply but she was stationary, she was calm. She was a strong and charming wood and I, an ignited match with kinetic energy that could rue a forest in its entirety. When our forces came together a fire arose but she didn’t burn. Rather, I burned myself out. I tried to destroy what I couldn’t understand, I avoided my destructive nature and traded my love (what little of it I was made of) for wrath. She was still. She engulfed my conniption and housed all the damage, like shipwrecks underneath a calm sea. A short lived fairytale of respected delegates congregating in the corner house of misfits. Other people came and went but I always stayed near and she….so dear…..to my heart.

Single Person Vacay

(This is NOT to CONDESCEND anyone my age in a relationship, I bid them love actually)

Let me tell you about my vacation *put “Patience” by The Lumineers on repeat*

That feeling you get on a Sunday morning when you wake up and put a dress on with some make-up and walk straight into that altar at church and worship. That feeling on a cool summer day where you’re sitting in the shade and you can see the sun touching everything else but you- and that gust of wind rides in and you feel like you can fly away. How about this feeling: having a clear mind with no one else on it but Jesus. Now imagine that feeling, all the time! No exes, No crushes, No interruptions. Only the real being who loved you from the start, who loves you now, who will always love you. THIS, is what I feel exclusively on my vacation.

My vacation of singleness didn’t start until I became completely single, including in my thoughts. If you are still thinking about someone who has been or could be, you aren’t feeling the fullness of this gift. Can I boast about the most important relationship in my life for a moment? Because it’s one I would brave hunger and suffering for. I stopped fighting the hands that were holding me, I opened my ears to his calling, and I live knowing I am called higher. I am trying to live up this vacation to the fullest where I only have to report to my God and no one else. JESUS GETS MY UNDIVIDED LOVE RIGHT NOW. And though I know that I’ll have a husband one day and I’ll love God with a throbbing depth I didn’t know before, RIGHT NOW ALL MY HEART’S DEVOTION GOES TO CHRIST. Is that not the blessing of singleness? All my love, every pump of blood that my heart beats is devoted to the supply of oxygen sent to my lungs to breathe for Jesus.

Why do us young people- young Christians- Christ followers at Christian universities who know better than anyone else STILL live with selfish intentions. What about the intentions of Christ- what about His wants- His will? In Philippians, Paul brags about Timothy’s ability to live for the intentions of Christ. Why don’t we all do that in our simple pursuit to give all of ourselves to Him? My vacation is relaxing and filled with adventure. My struggles and uncertainties encompass my relaxation because if I didn’t have struggles to throw up to the Lord, I couldn’t testify for the Glory that is only fitting for my Father.

I am still awaiting on the man I will fall in love with. The man who walks unassumingly and with powerful gentleness. He will cause me to fall in love again, no need to mend my heart or put me back together, my second love will be fierce because it will cause my love with Jesus to burst into flames and light the path we are walking on.

In this moment, I am so in love, so enamored with God. He loves me! And He wanted to show me this in the most existentially convincing way, Jesus. And Jesus knew He would go back to heaven so He gave us the Holy Spirit so that we could always feel His peace without Him being here. And one day I’ll get to share that with another human of the opposite sex who will compassionately push me to love God in an even more depth and zeal. But for now, I already have the love of my entire existence… my God. How’s that for giving my heart and soul a vacation?

Saree Patterned Carpet

I was sitting in the back of the room, amused and hiding under the brim of everyone’s noes typing up a journal entry. I was typing away loudly but no one would bat an eye my way. I was swimming in my thoughts when I heard laughter, I looked up and the drunk lovelies were dying at some joke. I liked it this way. Being outside of the circle but close enough to enjoy the warm heat waves. I had grown used to this crevice in the shape, enjoying the ropes by myself, content with sitting in my own thoughts. I had accepted that the next few years of my life would be a season of loneliness on this Earth. My only close companion would be the Lord and my few family members. At this point in my life, I was only earnestly close to my grandmother and six friends I had made in college. Right as I was remembering this thought, he looked up at me. Even with his removed mind, he saw me. I winked at him and he went back to the debauchery in the room.

An Abridged Arrow

to gain substance above all else, but how?

to capture an audience from then until now…

meanwhile I keep myself entertained by my own unraveling,

I’m supposed to find a groove yet my mind keeps traveling.

Do you hear the white noise? Can you distinguish it from the substance?

Do you see the clarity amongst a blurry afternoon…

Sorry, too soon.

walking further from a familiar place I feel more, well, me.

I know it sounds strange but to walk unassumingly is free.

There are no rules except one,

never be plane- always be fun.

to capture an audience, to strike straight from the heart,

is to openly tear yourself apart.

I don’t think we can really achieve any character but our own.

Successfully, at least.

Bang the piano! Scoff at the cat!

Enter the room! Throw on a hat!

Accept that the audience might not find you endearing,

but strive to be graceful, kind, and God-fearing.

Don’t worry much about the how or the then or the now…

but the substance, worry about the substance.

Ask yourself what kind entity you’d like to harvest…

So , what will it be? Poison or elixir?





Teal Blue Towel

Crying on the bathroom floor. Here I am with a towel underneath me and a God above me. Crying. I feel alone, not because I actually am alone but because of the absence of the love that used to dwell here. And it’s incredibly hard to feel the fullness of this righteous love. When all that is good and pure is so hard to grasp. All the earthly love and feelings of completeness from inconsistent people block my view of love in its rawest form. I’m frustrated and stumped with God. The point is to know Him a little more each time I tear, each time I ruin myself- I’ll get to see Him build me up a different way. At this point in the process I have stopped crying and I still feel the hurt but I’m comforted. Nothing like running into the arms of the Father, even when you trip because you’re sprinting so fast and because it took me so dang long to get here (I knew since the start of the week that I just needed to talk to Jesus about this loneliness and lift it up but of course I stalled)  it feels so freaking sweet letting Him just hug me with HIS PERFECT LOVE. FRICK.

Leather Watch

My love that they killed, I cry for the pain you felt for me. My King that they have slain, I ache for the hours you hung on that cross for me. My savior that they saw surmount death, I laugh for that grave you made empty. My Jesus who is Lord, I drop to my knees because of your ageless love. I rejoice for this warmth I am graced to feel, for this ignited flame that has galvanized my life. I am weary and constantly run down by the tricks of this world but am replenished because of Jesus. When it’s too much and I’m engulfed by my own emotions I hear: “Keep walking child, You will Be Home“. The further you seek Jesus, the deeper the water gets and one can only continue with an uninterrupted focus on Christ. He lets these tears leak from my eyes but He never lets them fall to the ground. He sees me dancing with the darkness but still hunts it down with majestic stride- freeing me over and over. My King with courage outshining the sun and stars, who mocked death in it’s face, I’d follow you till I couldn’t walk anymore. Bring the Kingdom and let it reign love because He lives.