I was sitting in the back of the room, amused and hiding under the brim of everyone’s noes typing up a journal entry. I was typing away loudly but no one would bat an eye my way. I was swimming in my thoughts when I heard laughter, I looked up and the drunk lovelies were dying at some joke. I liked it this way. Being outside of the circle but close enough to enjoy the warm heat waves. I had grown used to this crevice in the shape, enjoying the ropes by myself, content with sitting in my own thoughts. I had accepted that the next few years of my life would be a season of loneliness on this Earth. My only close companion would be the Lord and my few family members. At this point in my life, I was only earnestly close to my grandmother and six friends I had made in college. Right as I was remembering this thought, he looked up at me. Even with his removed mind, he saw me. I winked at him and he went back to the debauchery in the room.
to gain substance above all else, but how?
to capture an audience from then until now…
meanwhile I keep myself entertained by my own unraveling,
I’m supposed to find a groove yet my mind keeps traveling.
Do you hear the white noise? Can you distinguish it from the substance?
Do you see the clarity amongst a blurry afternoon…
Sorry, too soon.
walking further from a familiar place I feel more, well, me.
I know it sounds strange but to walk unassumingly is free.
There are no rules except one,
never be plane- always be fun.
to capture an audience, to strike straight from the heart,
is to openly tear yourself apart.
I don’t think we can really achieve any character but our own.
Successfully, at least.
Bang the piano! Scoff at the cat!
Enter the room! Throw on a hat!
Accept that the audience might not find you endearing,
but strive to be graceful, kind, and God-fearing.
Don’t worry much about the how or the then or the now…
but the substance, worry about the substance.
Ask yourself what kind entity you’d like to harvest…
So , what will it be? Poison or elixir?
Crying on the bathroom floor. Here I am with a towel underneath me and a God above me. Crying. I feel alone, not because I actually am alone but because of the absence of the love that used to dwell here. And it’s incredibly hard to feel the fullness of this righteous love. When all that is good and pure is so hard to grasp. All the earthly love and feelings of completeness from inconsistent people block my view of love in its rawest form. I’m frustrated and stumped with God. The point is to know Him a little more each time I tear, each time I ruin myself- I’ll get to see Him build me up a different way. At this point in the process I have stopped crying and I still feel the hurt but I’m comforted. Nothing like running into the arms of the Father, even when you trip because you’re sprinting so fast and because it took me so dang long to get here (I knew since the start of the week that I just needed to talk to Jesus about this loneliness and lift it up but of course I stalled)…
My love that they killed, I cry for the pain you felt for me. My King that they have slain, I ache for the hours you hung on that cross for me. My savior that they saw surmount death, I laugh for that grave you made empty. My Jesus who is Lord, I drop to my knees because of your ageless love. I rejoice for this warmth I am graced to feel, for this ignited flame that has galvanized my life. I am weary and constantly run down by the tricks of this world but am replenished because of Jesus. When it’s too much and I’m engulfed by my own emotions I hear: “Keep walking child, You will Be Home“. The further you seek Jesus, the deeper the water gets and one can only continue with an uninterrupted focus on Christ. He lets these tears leak from my eyes but He never lets them fall to the ground. He sees me dancing with the darkness but still hunts it down with majestic stride- freeing me over and over. My King with courage outshining the sun and stars, who mocked death in it’s face, I’d follow you till I couldn’t walk anymore. Bring the Kingdom and let it reign love because He lives.
I’m freaking tired and I’m freaking exhausted but I feel so freaking good.
I can’t stand up, today was the longest day of my life and I feel beat. I’m currently breathing the air my Father provided me and drinking His sweet thirst quenching water. I’ve run out of energy but I’m full. I’m complete with Jesus. The semester has gone by so quickly, I genuinely feel as if I have been away at war- spiritual war of course. And the hours of continuous thoughts bleed into days and the days bleed into weeks, the weeks to months and then gone. I have gone through two seasons and am dry from the new heat and frozen by the staggering winds but I am comfortable with my place because of Jesus. I can barely do my homework these days but I’m trying, hopefully that’s enough. My eyes cry but no tears come out, I weep but no water runs, I sob but these cheeks aren’t drowning, I am seared and injected with the sufficiency that is Jesus. There is discomfort towards the end but a succulent rest coming soon. Renewal, revival, replenishing; I am promised all these things, all I must do is throw these dry hands up and let Him hold them. He propels these dry hands to work and serve again, He stirs them into motion, He touches them and I am stunned.
I love the man who walks unassumingly and loves the Lord blindly. With the summit of my love being Christ, he too will find me right with Him. This one will follow the Lord without a jerk of the limb or a blink of the eye- this is the man I love.
Here I am once again. At the end of myself. But sure enough, on a new doorstep.
This house is huge with a polished wooden door, and forest green shutters. The windows are whale watchers for sure. Here’s the tricky part, getting in. I knock and knock and knock and knock, no answer. It’s always a hazy transition between houses, I’m always moving. The second I finally get let in and get situated- something happens. I cry myself to sleep and wake up on some other porch.
This house is the prettiest one I’ve ever seen, I think the key to getting in is investing in myself. If i listen close enough I can hear the house breathe- she’s so alive and attentive to my movements. Also, accepting that each stage of life is transient really helps me go to sleep at night!