Dry Hands

I’m freaking tired and I’m freaking exhausted but I feel so freaking good. 

I can’t stand up, today was the longest day of my life and I feel beat. I’m currently breathing the air my Father provided me and drinking His sweet thirst quenching water. I’ve run out of energy but I’m full. I’m complete with Jesus. The semester has gone by so quickly, I genuinely feel as if I have been away at war- spiritual war of course. And the hours of continuous thoughts bleed into days and the days bleed into weeks, the weeks to months and then gone. I have gone through two seasons and am dry from the new heat and frozen by the staggering winds but I am comfortable with my place because of Jesus. I can barely do my homework these days but I’m trying, hopefully that’s enough. My eyes cry but no tears come out, I weep but no water runs, I sob but these cheeks aren’t drowning, I am seared and injected with the sufficiency that is Jesus. There is discomfort towards the end but a succulent rest coming soon. Renewal, revival, replenishing; I am promised all these things, all I must do is throw these dry hands up and let Him hold them. He propels these dry hands to work and serve again, He stirs them into motion, He touches them and I am stunned.

My sweet. 

I love the man who walks unassumingly and loves the Lord blindly. With the summit of my love being Christ, he too will find me right with Him. This one will follow the Lord without a jerk of the limb or a blink of the eye- this is the man I love. 

Move In Day

Here I am once again. At the end of myself. But sure enough, on a new doorstep.

This house is huge with a polished wooden door, and forest green shutters. The windows are whale watchers for sure. Here’s the tricky part, getting in. I knock and knock and knock and knock, no answer. It’s always a hazy transition between houses, I’m always moving. The second I finally get let in and get situated- something happens. I cry myself to sleep and wake up on some other porch.

This house is the prettiest one I’ve ever seen, I think the key to getting in is investing in myself. If i listen close enough I can hear the house breathe- she’s so alive and attentive to my movements. Also, accepting that each stage of life is transient really helps me go to sleep at night!

For the Better

Moving on his difficult. I think a big theme this week for me was learning to let go. Not just learning to let go but accepting and being okay with the fact that I can’t upkeep all the love I’ve ever given out. Saying goodbye never has to actually happen but saying I won’t say hello everyday does have to happen.

There are so many friendships that I cry over, yes almost every night because I’m an emotional baby, but once again my Almighty God has used Grey’s Anatomy to show me something I’ve been missing. That old highschool friend reminding me every time she post something on Instagram just how much life sucks in that old Los Angeles suburb where everyone seeks worldly fulfillment is let go. That ex who reminds me everytime I see him with his friends that their are millions of kids who will never give their life to Christ before the age of 20 because they’re too caught up in who they’re going to bang next or when will their next rager be, cut out. That foreign bestfriend who taught you not to forget that God’s judgement is real and it’s coming, moved on.

I loved the people in my life and I love my God even more for showing me things day by day. God you are good and as I let people go and move to the next place and meet the next group of people YOU will always be constant and YOU will always be there.

Christina Yang & Owen Hunt

It’s one stupid scene in Grey’s Anatomy, it’s one, and it made me cry.

I have these small moments where I cry, small-quick tears, for my guy. My first love. I’ve found myself justifying and defending him lately. I don’t understand if the Lord wants me to hold on or let go. It’s hard to imagine letting go because I don’t have anyone to replace him and make new memories with but I know better, I know to be obedient and that the Lord’s promises will be rewarding. I can’t hold on, I just know better. Yet I’m here once again contemplating what to do with Marc.

Honestly, at this point, he cheated on me but what I did was emotionally worse. I made up a lie with another guy and aimed it towards Marc in attempts to hurt him for all the people he had been with. Granted, I had been his friend prior to this and never minded him being with girls but the second he was mine, he was penalized for it. Marc had real sex with someone while dating me and then tried his hardest to keep me from the truth and protect me from his mistake. I can’t believe I’m defending him but that’s how I feel. I’m not hurt anymore. I’m not upset or disappointed. I’m just confused.

I’m in all honesty not sure anyone can love me the way Marc did and I know that’s ignorant to say because I’m young and Christ’s love is supposed to be enough for me but that is just how my flesh feels. I know damn well that Jesus is enough, He fulfills me, but that doesn’t mean it DOESN’T HURT when I think of Marc. Do I be with him? Do I wait for him to mature more? Do I move on? Be fair and let him grow apart from me?

The scene from Grey’s is from season 10 when Hunt & Yang (divorced surgeons) hook up and then Hunt breaks up with his new girlfriend Emma?! So Yang comes in and is all “ohhhh why’d you dump her” and he’s all “ohhh well why do you care to know” and they’re playing and being flirty and that’s Marc and I. In thirty years when I see Marc and his wife and three kids, I’ll be with my husband and three kids and we’ll go off to the side real quick to catch up and Marc will tell me “You look beautiful” and I’ll say something like “Yah my husband thinks so,too” and we’ll smile and remember our love. I hate this. Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior please I beg of you to take this feeling of angst away from me. Give me peace. Remove literally every ounce of pain I still feel, because frankly it stings.

To My Love

Being in love is believing you need someone to live (by definition of the first thing that popped up on the internet). By all means this is so freaking true. Take Jesus Christ for instance, I am so in love with HIM, I truly believe I need Him in my life to live and I would die for Christ like seriously. But then there’s worldly love.

I miss being in love, believing that Marc would be my forever. What’s worse is that he can be, I just chose not to have him. I think about my love every day of my freaking life, where ever the freaking heck you are. I miss feeling that way with you. I miss you and you aren’t even in my life yet. I’m searching for you though, well, more like waiting. I’m doing my best to sit here and just let my soul get fine polished by the Lord, so when I do find you…

I’ll be the most gentle & kind person you’ve ever fallen for. I’ll get there, gentility & decorum, slow to anger, loving nature, considerate motherly eyes, I’ll get there. My job is to love the Lord with all my heart and soul and your job is to come find me. I wonder what you feel like, I’ll melt when you kiss my nose. I promise to love you like Christ loves His church and we’ll be together forever until we finally part to live our new lives with our Savior. I wonder what color your eyes are, I hope they’re blue, so I can get lost in them like the great ocean except I love you deeper than any ocean on this Earth.

Downtown Farm

I’m driving the same streets, stopping at the same lights, passing the same houses, and avoiding the same people. The sky brings back memories of the anxious feelings I had around this time of last year and the last and the last. How happy I am to know this isn’t my whole life.

How happy I am to have stayed by the Lord’s side and OBEYED especially when I didn’t have to. I’m harvesting His work everyday. He is the farmer who loves and cares for each of His crops and I am His worker coming to the field everyday- rain or shine. Sometimes it seems the storm has destroyed so much that nothing can be salvaged but come to the end of the work HE PREVAILS! My Lord is a slow and careful farmer. Kind and humble yet so successful and beautiful. I’m harvesting His work everyday!